माज़ी

आब ओ अब्र के दरमियाँ
वो वहां के मुझे पता नहीं
साहिल की तरफ रुख था मेरा
कश्ती जैसे आप ही पानी पे चल रही हो
अजीब सा सुकून था
जैसे मंज़िल दुर नहीं मेरे पास ही थी
ना हम-साज़ , ना कोई हम-राह
मेरा सफर और मेरी मंज़िल
ऐसा लगा जैसे एक  ज़माना बीत गया हो
या फिर कल की ही कोई बात हो
....
अंजान थी मैं...या फ़िर बेपरवाह
उस कश्ती को रफ़ीक़-ए -रूह समझी
जो कश्ती माज़ी के सिफ़र में ग़ुम थी

फ़िराक...

The biggest loss is the loss of innocence...

वही झरोखों पर पड़ी एक काली परत...
ज़िन्दगी के कुछ लम्हों से
उधार ली रौशनी तक नहीं झाक पाती है उन मैले कुचेले पर्दों से
रात की परतें मैं हटाती रहती हूँ अपनी हथेलियौं से
मंटो की कहानियों के शब्द आज भी मेरी पेशानियौं पे दस्तक दे रहे हैं
उसकी भू अब भी शायब मेरे जिस्म से ही आ रही है
एक वही स्याह परत फिर से थी दिल्ली की गलियौं में
अभी जैसे कल की ही बात हो
माँ चुप करा देती थी अपने घर के चौराहे पे
जैसे किसी की मज़ार पे नमन कर रहे हो
गुरुद्वारा हुआ करता था वहां पे, १९८४ से पहले
और फिर वही परतें
गुजरात की गलियों में
कहीं कुछ नहीं बदला
तारिकों के अलावा...

कुछ यूँ भी तो हो

कुछ यूँ भी तो हो
तेरे सामने बैठ कर भी हम कुछ कह पाएं
आँखों से टपकती बूंदों के
कुछ माने समझा पाएं
कुछ यूँ भी तो हो
दिल की जो आरज़ू कभी कही न गयी हमसे
इस बार तेरे हाथों पर
बे-झिझक ही लिख जाएँ
कुछ यूँ भी तो हो
अपनी गरज में ही सही लेकिन
इस बार तेरे कदम
मेरे दर पर आके रुक जाएँ
कुछ यूँ भी तो हो...

तेरे साथ...

एक डोर से बंधा है शायद
तेरे हाथों की लकीरों के साथ
तेरे माथे की शिकन...
तेरे होंटों की गर्मी में कहीं
गुम है मेरा आप...

मेरे कानों से होकर गुज़रे
तेरे कुछ कहे अनकहे शब्द
एक माला में पिरोती बैठीं हूँ
उसी डोर के साथ...बंधा है जिससे
धरोहर है एक तेरी मेरे पास
मेरे अन्दर कहीं वरना
गुम ही हो जाता मेरा आप

My new writing desk…

I am a proud owner of a writing desk :) It’s not huge or new. In fact it is this compact thing, really old styled just enough for me to keep my laptop on and work. It’s terrific and I love it. Having never owned a writing desk all for myself earlier, I am smiling from ear to ear for this one.
So that’s what has brought cheer to my week. That and chants that I repeat to myself a dozen times a day – “This too shall pass”…Its only temporary, this state of being actually not the state of being but the demons in my head…sometimes I wonder should I be so self critical and self analytical…I mean I know there is a completely different world inside my head but does that I mean I blame everything on that…my world is my perception of reality just like everyone else’s…

Let me for once stop justifying things around me with my reality… let’s give the demons some rest…for the time being till they come back and devour me…

The root cause of it all – the sense of being abandoned that I live with day and night. In spite of all the philosophy I have read, all my experiences, all my understanding of the self and the other, this feeling forms the basis of all my other feelings and I mean all. And I don’t think there is any way I can get rid of it. It’s too much a part of me. But what hopefully I should be able to do over years is detach myself from it for small intervals…and hopefully over time those intervals will start getting bigger. (Of course it would be helpful if I find kindred souls along the way, who understand my state of being who are empathetic…but I am doubtful at least till the time I learn to empathetic)

When I started writing, I had a list of things I wanted to write about, but having written what I have written, I don’t think there is any point in writing anything else – all else is just rants and cribs and cries for attention…

So here’s “To longer intervals”…

Friends...

I am not a group person...I can barely manage to interact in a group...I rather like to sit quitely and observe people...Its always a stretch for me to be extremely social...

But friends...thats completely different...I love my friends and believe in them...I always think they deserve the best and they are the best...and there are times when what they say\don't say hurts me a lot...but still for me thats always temporary...i always go back to being with them because I love them...but off late I have noticed thats its just me running after these relationships...it doesnt matter to them if I am a part of their lives or not...

So I have decided....to stop running...no matter how much it hurts...at the end of the day its "Free Will"...

My Song...

Lots of posts I want to write about - travels, my element, water, blogs and so on. But this one is dedicated to the song that is me...

"Moon River"

(music by Henry Mancini, lyrics by Johnny Mercer, sung by the most beautiful Audrey Hepburn)

Moon River, wider than a mile,

I'm crossing you in style some day.

Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,

wherever you're going I'm going your way.

Two drifters off to see the world.

There's such a lot of world to see.

We're after the same rainbow's end--

waiting 'round the bend,

my huckleberry friend,

Moon River and me.

Books and Me...

Reading and books is essentially what I am and what my life is about. Everything else is secondary. What makes up my thoughts, where I find solace, what my dreams are made of are all in the books I have read.

But now I don’t read as much as I used to. The reason is not that I am busy or don’t have time or have better things to do. Its way more fundamental than that. Every book I read becomes in some way a part of me. I think about it. It forces me to reflect. It’s almost like a living organism that morphs my thoughts such that they take a new shape and structure. All this most of the time causes a lot of dissonance and angst. After all I am not living the life I would ideally live; it’s not even close to what best I can be.

So the pile of unread books is growing in my shelf day after day. These days I am terrified of picking up a new book. I who was as impulsive as one can be, not afraid of change, not afraid of doing what I want to do has turned into this terrified, cornered individual finding safe haven in old and experienced much like my reading.

Is this what they call growing up…

Strangely upset...

Sometimes life merely reduces to here and now...and at that instant no matter what you have, its not enough...i am unnecessarily very upset.

Monday blues...maybe

Sometimes no matter how much you do, its not enough. And its not that you cant do more, just that you seem to hit a brickwall or rather a blackhole...beyond which there is nothing.

So what are the odds...

The same bug not once, not twice but thrice in six months...

and its defintely not the love bug...grrrrrr

And these are some of my favorite things…

So as I was mentioning earlier, I went to the astrologer. One very important thing he said was that all you want is “to be happy”.

And I realized how true it is. That was how I live my life. Yeah at times I do get bogged down by petty stuff or past or meanness but overall I just want to do things that make me happy.

Since this is my blog I can be narcissistic and list some of those things here :)
1. Travelling
2. Driving
3. Friends (whom I have been missing a lot recently), being home at mumbai with my cousin and manu
4. Writing and books
5. Beaches and water
6. Good food (and seafood at that)
7. Movies
8. A good cup of tea (with ginger)
9. Lately, hits on my blog :)
10. Good @#$% (now it’s a family blog ;) and yes its way up in the list)

To predictions and future…

So I finally gave in to the madness and went to see an astrologer. Yeah I did! Not that I am superstitious, infact I am the exact opposite. But for some reason I want to believe in astrology (ok I exactly know why but that’s digressing). I still don’t know if I actually do. But since I could not find any solace anywhere, I went to meet this old chap my friend had recommended all the way across town. All he asked me was my name, DoB, time and place of birth. I was actually shocked with the facts he told me about my life, my family and past relationships. And as for my future, let’s say it’s reasonably good :). Not the usual mom and dad and family saga, but still happy.

Overall I am more at peace, so I guess true or not, it was definitely worth it.

Abandoned...

So this is how this feels.

I almost abandoned this blog today. But I realized thats not me. I might delete people from my world after umpteen tries but I will never abandon them.

So heres to my fave quote - "This too shall pass"

Life...

Sometimes I wonder what life is all about. Why do I live? Yeah I know, I suffer from existential angst. I wish I was Milan Kundera than at least something good would come out of this angst. But alas!

I seriously fail to understand what keeps me hoping? I can safely say every one of my relationship whatever the kind be has been a failure. And my God knows I have loved all the people in my life with all that I have. So what do I look forward to? Even I don’t know.

...

Looks like I am gonna be stuck in bangalore forever :(
I am so depressed...

I wonder...

In the middle of the night I wonder…
About the office politics…
I wonder about the badminton tournaments…
About the traffic jams…
About the friends and drunken binges…
About tiffs and pet peeves…
About the drives, about the movies…
About you…

.....................................

(The song is not too great...but i was going to write something similar when i chanced upon the lyrics...hence reproducing below...)

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

...

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

...

Artist: Lady Antebellum
Song Title: Need You Now

(http://lyricsmusicvideo.blogspot.com/2009/08/lady-antebellum-need-you-now-lyrics.html#comment-form)

आईना...

आसिम है मेरा या मेरा रफीक...
मेरे एहसास से अलग तो नहीं...
खुली नज़रों से देखा कोई सपना शायद..
मेरी आरज़ू का कातिब शायद...
मेरा वजूद उससे जुदा तो नहीं...
लिखता है वो काफूर सा मेरा अफसाना...
कागज़ नहीं कलम भी नहीं...
मदहोश हूँ मैं मेरी ही आज़ में...
वो नहीं तो फिर मैं भी नहीं...

Trivia...

Way too many posts that I want to write about the reason I write this blog, regrets of when you give in to social niceties (realized I should never do that for my own sanity), how much it hurts to know people close to you don’t have faith in you, super irritated at all and sundry who make it their business to know why I am single and not married yet (to them – please look at your own lives for any introspection whatsoever – my life is none of your business).

On the positive I really enjoyed my French class and look forward to reading an actual book in French and understanding it all. And atleast one person i know does believe in me (yes its a huge deal). And finally I realized I have moved on. Cheers to me :)

Fickle Minded…

These are restless days. Sometimes you are just forced to think. The seemingly logical balance you had maintained with everything goes all haywire. My dissonance is attributed to some recent happenings in my life. It is making me wonder. Were all those relations and friendships in which I invested time, energy, emotions and years so fickle, so transient, so inconsequential. What is it that I do not understand?