Black Wind

By Deepti Naval...

((Just the conversation I have with myself...every single day...))

Anxiety grips me with both hands
Spiked claws dig deep into my soul
I gasp for breath and stagger around
Sharp corners of my single bed
A dark belligerent sea rises in anger
The night has a deadly mission, I can see…

I will not succumb to its ghoulish lust

Pull the shutters down!
Block all sound;
Slam it out!
Clamp it!
Not in here, it can’t get to me!

The telephone rings …no, it stops .

God damn! Why don’t anyone speak?

A voice,
Just a human voice !
In this shameless, pitiless
Abyss of the night –

Gloom deepens into darkness, turns purple
I feel dark inside

They are here, they drive me
Dark shadows in my room

‘Go jump!

One leap across the railing -
That’s all it takes!

Rain slashes down my window,
Beats it blue!

A dagger pierces the gut, my sanity reels
‘Yes .. . one leap . . . that’s all . . . I know!’

‘Do it! Have the guts! Jump!’
Demons from the sea
Stalk towards me stealthily…
I lurch back and grapple for reason

‘. . . but… my life . . . my art . . . ?’

‘Rotten life! Rotten art! Rotten relationships!

Strip every moment to stark nakedness
Think hard, debate! Why should you live, why?’

Hurled in a corner, I live and relive my life
Closing in on me, inch by deathly inch -
Vicious, spiteful beings
Hissing . . . hissing . . .

‘Your life’s a mess! End it!’
‘Yes . . . I . . . I. . .’

‘A snake pit! That’s what the world is! Quit!’
‘But I have books, friends… my music . . .’

Laughter hollers! Like wind’s unbeaten track!
‘Hypocrisy! Masks! People tearing people!’

‘But there’s my work…’

‘Pressure, competition, failure! An endless struggle!’

‘I’ll survive’.

‘Need the killer’s instinct! Have it?’

‘There’s bougainvillaea… and long distance calls…’

Ha!
`…mountains . . . movies . . . monsoons . . .’

‘Escape . . . escape . . . escape . . . ‘
‘Van Gogh’s cypresses, and … evenings in hills’

‘You’ll never learn!’
‘Mustard fields…and, . . . motherhood?’

‘Bad dreams! …Give it up!’

‘There’s memories and .. . letters home’

‘ Emptiness! Loneliness! End it now! End it!’
‘Making love . . .’

‘Making what? Everyone uses everyone!’

‘There’s hope… isn’t there?’

‘It’s a four letter word! End it now, you worm!’
‘ . . . and faith?’

‘Regret! Shame! Guilt!’
‘Love’

Futile . . .’

‘God?’

‘Guilt! Guilt!’
‘STOP IT . . .! ! !’

A black wind howls through the wet marsh…
The sea witnesses an undefended siege –

I will survive this night, its deathly design ;
I will fight!

The world’s a snake pit, so let it be!
I dare the devil to get the better of me!

Night of July 28, 1991
Poem completed on August 26, 1992)

(http://www.deeptinaval.com/poet-BW-blackwind.html)