I wonder...

In the middle of the night I wonder…
About the office politics…
I wonder about the badminton tournaments…
About the traffic jams…
About the friends and drunken binges…
About tiffs and pet peeves…
About the drives, about the movies…
About you…

.....................................

(The song is not too great...but i was going to write something similar when i chanced upon the lyrics...hence reproducing below...)

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

...

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

...

Artist: Lady Antebellum
Song Title: Need You Now

(http://lyricsmusicvideo.blogspot.com/2009/08/lady-antebellum-need-you-now-lyrics.html#comment-form)

Black Wind

By Deepti Naval...

((Just the conversation I have with myself...every single day...))

Anxiety grips me with both hands
Spiked claws dig deep into my soul
I gasp for breath and stagger around
Sharp corners of my single bed
A dark belligerent sea rises in anger
The night has a deadly mission, I can see…

I will not succumb to its ghoulish lust

Pull the shutters down!
Block all sound;
Slam it out!
Clamp it!
Not in here, it can’t get to me!

The telephone rings …no, it stops .

God damn! Why don’t anyone speak?

A voice,
Just a human voice !
In this shameless, pitiless
Abyss of the night –

Gloom deepens into darkness, turns purple
I feel dark inside

They are here, they drive me
Dark shadows in my room

‘Go jump!

One leap across the railing -
That’s all it takes!

Rain slashes down my window,
Beats it blue!

A dagger pierces the gut, my sanity reels
‘Yes .. . one leap . . . that’s all . . . I know!’

‘Do it! Have the guts! Jump!’
Demons from the sea
Stalk towards me stealthily…
I lurch back and grapple for reason

‘. . . but… my life . . . my art . . . ?’

‘Rotten life! Rotten art! Rotten relationships!

Strip every moment to stark nakedness
Think hard, debate! Why should you live, why?’

Hurled in a corner, I live and relive my life
Closing in on me, inch by deathly inch -
Vicious, spiteful beings
Hissing . . . hissing . . .

‘Your life’s a mess! End it!’
‘Yes . . . I . . . I. . .’

‘A snake pit! That’s what the world is! Quit!’
‘But I have books, friends… my music . . .’

Laughter hollers! Like wind’s unbeaten track!
‘Hypocrisy! Masks! People tearing people!’

‘But there’s my work…’

‘Pressure, competition, failure! An endless struggle!’

‘I’ll survive’.

‘Need the killer’s instinct! Have it?’

‘There’s bougainvillaea… and long distance calls…’

Ha!
`…mountains . . . movies . . . monsoons . . .’

‘Escape . . . escape . . . escape . . . ‘
‘Van Gogh’s cypresses, and … evenings in hills’

‘You’ll never learn!’
‘Mustard fields…and, . . . motherhood?’

‘Bad dreams! …Give it up!’

‘There’s memories and .. . letters home’

‘ Emptiness! Loneliness! End it now! End it!’
‘Making love . . .’

‘Making what? Everyone uses everyone!’

‘There’s hope… isn’t there?’

‘It’s a four letter word! End it now, you worm!’
‘ . . . and faith?’

‘Regret! Shame! Guilt!’
‘Love’

Futile . . .’

‘God?’

‘Guilt! Guilt!’
‘STOP IT . . .! ! !’

A black wind howls through the wet marsh…
The sea witnesses an undefended siege –

I will survive this night, its deathly design ;
I will fight!

The world’s a snake pit, so let it be!
I dare the devil to get the better of me!

Night of July 28, 1991
Poem completed on August 26, 1992)

(http://www.deeptinaval.com/poet-BW-blackwind.html)

Ankahee...

Saw this beautiful and intense movie today. Ankahee. Starring Amol Palekar and Deepti Naval had won a national award in 1984.

The movie quintessentially talks about the part destiny plays in our lives. How much of our life is our own and how much of it is preordained. In the movie the educated protagonist struggles to find a way out of his father’s (also an astrologer) doomed prophecy which threatens to tear his world apart. He believing his father's predictions loves one woman but marries another. The movie explores the murky space where faith transcends into superstition. Something most people struggle with. I have seen educated engineers from my college turn around when black cat crosses their path and highly qualified doctors run to the nearest astrologers to sort out their kid’s future. Like the doctor in the movie whose patient’s eminent death is predicted by the astrologer says – what is the point in living and inventing if every second of our life is writ in stone? Why bother at all?

On a parellel note the movie also delves on the existence of free will primarily through the choices the girl (whom the protaganist does not marry) makes or is forced to make. How people under the garb of duty, love, pity, guilt and other such varied emotions push people to act against their free will.

Deepti Naval delivers a stellar performance as an innocent village belle struggling with her demons. The story in itself is powerful but Deepti Naval takes it to a different level. Amol Palekar is a superb story teller but the credit of this movie goes to the writer and Deepti Naval.

The last line of the movie actually summarizes it all –

Zindagi har kadam par aadmi ka apna chunaav hai…

Know thyself...

Good sense prevailed when i deleted the number...else i would have called for sure today...like i did so many times...

And another one of those...

Some love stories aren't epic novels, some are short stories...
But, that doesn't make them any less filled with love...

ever thine
ever mine
ever ours

Auld Lang Syne ...

Was watching SATC the movie...love the song...

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup of kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

And there's a hand my trusty fiere,
And gie's a hand o thine,
And we'll tak a right guid-willie waught,
For auld lang syne

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup of kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

.....................

My heart melts...and i want to be the drop of rain that falls on the fresh green leaves and disappears...

Travel plans...

Places I want to visit closer home:

Tanjore
Munnar
Bekel
Thekkady
Madurai

Anyone interested?

आईना...

आसिम है मेरा या मेरा रफीक...
मेरे एहसास से अलग तो नहीं...
खुली नज़रों से देखा कोई सपना शायद..
मेरी आरज़ू का कातिब शायद...
मेरा वजूद उससे जुदा तो नहीं...
लिखता है वो काफूर सा मेरा अफसाना...
कागज़ नहीं कलम भी नहीं...
मदहोश हूँ मैं मेरी ही आज़ में...
वो नहीं तो फिर मैं भी नहीं...

Trivia...

Way too many posts that I want to write about the reason I write this blog, regrets of when you give in to social niceties (realized I should never do that for my own sanity), how much it hurts to know people close to you don’t have faith in you, super irritated at all and sundry who make it their business to know why I am single and not married yet (to them – please look at your own lives for any introspection whatsoever – my life is none of your business).

On the positive I really enjoyed my French class and look forward to reading an actual book in French and understanding it all. And atleast one person i know does believe in me (yes its a huge deal). And finally I realized I have moved on. Cheers to me :)