Since nothing else is working I thought this might help. Listing down all the things not going my way which is giving me that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach:
1. My close friend for past couple of years just flipped over suddenly one day (just like A) and I have to internalize \ externalize \ rationalize \ make sense of it and live with it. Why such confusion in life? She is not my boyfriend or girlfriend…the fact is that I seriously believe in the concept that you need an anchor in life…someone you can always go back to…someone whom you know would always be there no matter what…be it parents or siblings or family or friends…and I seriously believed P was my anchor…and now it just hurts beyond measure to realize that it’s not so…
2. My job – not going anywhere, I keep on comparing myself to people and when I know there is no point…immensely dissatisfied and no faith or hope for the future
3. My recent accident just shook me completely – I realized that there not a single soul in the city I live in who will come to be with me not because I need it or because I have asked but just because I can do with some company…dealing with everything all alone…I know I can and I don’t need anyone to help me out here…but the realization that there is nobody hurts more than anything else…it’s a feeling of loneliness and a feeling that you are completely exposed is just too overwhelming
4. My sister is getting married…now why is that a sad thing…it just brought a contradiction and a hypocrisy in my parents character that’s I am just not able to take…so much so that it’s a humongous effort to even talk to my mom these days whom I love immensely…and try as hard as I might I have just lost all faith…
I don’t know what I am looking for here…I was hoping penning it down would be cathartic or maybe I was looking for some understanding from people who read it…I don’t know…
