A witness to our lives…

One of the thoughts that struck a chord…it was a totally forgettable movie with wasted performances from people like Susan Sarandon…Anyways, in the movie there is this wife who after twenty years of marriage feels disconnected from her husband and explains to some the reason for marrying:

"We need a witness to our lives. There are a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

Me and writing...

Sitting at the airport, two hours early for my flight, I wanted to write…and just my luck that my laptop ran out of charge … so here I am writing the old fashioned way. The thing about writing on a PC for me (apart from the fact that I can actually read what I have written) is that it’s like telling a third person…blogs do that to you, it’s like writing a book except that you don’t have to be writer…anyways, without digressing…or maybe lemme digress…these past few weeks so many thoughts have crossed my mind…thoughts which I should have penned then, but now all that remains of those thoughts is a lingering feeling of realization…though I quite can’t say what I realized…another thing about me and pen & paper is that I write really slowly so my thoughts far outpace my writing speed…and my hand is always playing a catch up game…

My thoughts...

Its been almost a week now…and I have finally started reading the newspaper, viewing the news channel, reading people’s reactions on blogs and so on…so now I guess I can try writing something…the moment I heard about what was happening I basically blanked out…I know I should have been disgusted…horrified…angry…shocked…but I wasn’t…I just blanked out…the enormity of the whole scene unfolding in front of me…the realization that some action was inevitable was huge…

There are a couple of things I want to say –

The first is the impact of communication and media on our lives…how it has shaped us people…as a society…these days even before things actually happen or unfold…the news is everywhere…on the TV…people calling each other within seconds…instant SMS or email…you know it before you know it…this revolution has completely changed the way we view the world…earlier it took time for news to reach people and then too it was half baked…now we get to know of happenings in minutes and the side effect of this is that we forget happenings within days if not minutes…because some other issue is in front of you before you even realize it…I am not saying the remorse, the anger, the sadness we feel is false…it is just short lived…this “instant” syndrome has ripped us of our ability to internalize…and thus we need to decide for ourselves whether this “instant” news is actually useful or is it just making us more impervious to emotions…

Secondly the impact of consumerism on our lives and the way we live…one of my ex colleagues is helping the economy by buying clothes or is showing solidarity with the Taj employees by eating at the restaurant…ok she is an extreme case…but come to think of it how many of us watched the news glued to TV and ordered a Pizza from “Pizza Hut”…or how many of went about our lives and on a buying spree to stock our houses from floor to ceiling…so how at all are we going to do anything against this “Pak” sponsored “US” sponsored terrorism when our day to day lives is so dependent on what US feeds us…when we can’t take a day off because we work in the US companies or companies that work with US companies…that’s not how Non-Cooperation movement got results…

Before we start blaming the world…and in this case they are rightly blamed…the politicians, the policymakers, the ministers…but before we start blaming them I think it’s time for us to look at ourselves…to see if we can stop ourselves from being soft targets…to see if we can be more self-sustainable and not give in to the consumerism surrounding us…

Unreasonable Expectation...

I am feeling so “something” that I just had to write and hopefully get it out of my system. But the thing is I don’t even know where to begin. Sometimes people take such moral high ground in life and it’s just not even moral, its philosophical, experiential, practical…everything…maybe they have done it all and seen it all… maybe they have every reason in the world to take that high ground but the fact is no one has the right to do that…and the fact is that you care about them too much to go and fight with them over it…but in the process they end up walking all over you…making judgments…stereotyping…deciding what will make you succeed and not succeed in life…who decides that the way you are living your life is best and optimal…that your reactions are best or worst for that matter…that only if you figure out this or that you will forever be happy…I personally don’t really agree with the way so many people close to me live their lives…but it’s their lives…at best I can express my opinion…do I have a right to force them to change…I don’t think so…for all I know what I think about the way life should be lived is all wrong…the only fact that’s probably true in all this is that I care so much about that person that whatever I say will be with his\her best interests in mind…but still do I have the right to sit on judgment…I don’t think so…

Another tricky thing is expectation…what’s the thin line between expecting and not expecting…I do know you are most happy when you don’t have an expectation from anyone…not even yourself…or so the sages say…but is that actually true…how do you get close to people otherwise…there would at least be a least set of expectations…for e.g. you will expect your partner to take care of you in sickness or health…or be there for you…if you don’t even have this minimal expectation then what’s the point of having someone share your life…from your friends you will expect that they will be supportive of you no matter what you do…not try to change you but be there even if what you are doing doesn’t make sense to them…is this too high an expectation…and if it is then why don’t we make a list of expectations which are acceptable…no confusion in life after that…it’s ok to expect your friends to be there for you when you are sick but it’s not ok to expect your friends to be there for you when it’s your birthday…like when Carrie calls up Miranda in “Sex and the City” (when she is just about to go and meet Mr. Big again inspite of the fact that he broke her heart) and says something like…though I know what I am doing is the worst thing in the world and I will end up an emotional wreck, but I have to do this and I can only do it if I know you are there for me when I am a wreck…

Free will...

So in “Bruce Almighty”, God tells Bruce that he can do everything except alter or influence the free will…we can’t do that…we can’t make anyone fall in love…we can’t make anyone care…we can’t stop someone from leaving or someone from staying for that matter…

I wish I was a writer, singer, dancer, painter… (in that order…I think…)

Simply Romantic...

His hello was the end of her endings
Her laugh was their first step down the aisle
His hand would be hers to hold forever
His forever was as simple as her smile

He said she was what was missing
She said instantly she knew
She was a question to be answered
And his answer was "I do"

Carrie's Poem...Sex and the city...

Answers...

Sometimes it becomes so important to find answers...something that you can cling onto...or something that would make some sense...life's normally not so much about answers as it is about the journey...because you don't really know if you will get to the answers but the journey is what makes you - you...but i am struggling right now...but i still cant make head and tails of things...and i need to put some semblance of order in my life...

Faith...

After the fiasco that happened I still expect him to come for me…to come here just to see me…after all this I still have faith in him…I still have an almost idiotic childlike faith…even after seeing how untrustworthy people are…like my friend says I have to grow up…but what if this is the basis of who I am…how do I change that except to be prepared for the heartache that follows after trusting people…

Sad Sad Day...

I am really sad and there’s this sinking feeling which is just horrible…which makes you feel like hiding yourself under layers of blanket in a place no one can get to ever…and its forever dark and you don’t ever see the light…

Objectivity...

All of a sudden I want to write something…is it possibly to be completely honest with self…that would mean not lying or trying to rationalize…brutal truth about yourself…things and people in your life…is that at all possible…are we capable…capable enough…

I have always believed in complete honesty to myself…but I have my doubts…a part of it could be ignorance…but I am too pompous to believe that I am ignorant especially about my own feelings…then am I biased…not objective…and how would you define objectivity in this case…considering the fact that that the sick and the healer are one and the same person…is it possible to be absolutely objective…Amartya Sen says that the identity we assume at any given moment decides our world view at that moment…is it possible to have different identities but the same world view…or alternatively is it possible to be absolutely objective but have different world views…that’s conflicting because absolutely means “one”…

Even if I could keep my feelings and emotions aside could be a third person viewing myself…what world view would that third person assume to bring in objectivity…

I am an idiot...

Technically I have been more depressed…technically I have gone through this before…and that’s why I am a fool to be doing this again…

Trust…faith…believe is all so relative…I don’t trust my decision to trust…

Sangam, Mekedatu & Chunchi Falls

I have to start recording my travels before I start forgetting them…there’s something about travelling…it takes you away from reality, from situations, from circumstances, it’s an escape which humbles you…and that’s why I love to travel especially on road…driving to places unknown…and I don’t like the kind of travel where you have talk or play loud music or get drunk…I just like to be quite…not think about anything at all…travelling where the journey itself is everything…the destination is just incidental…

And so the four of us decided to take a break from the routine, mundane, dreary lives we live and head for this place called “Mekedatu” (means Goat’s Leap in Kannada)…around 95 Kms from Bangalore via Kanakapura…we weren’t as well planned as we are for most of our journey’s…it was mostly impromptu…since Friday night we ended up watching “The Dark Knight” it was almost 2:00 AM by the time we slept…so we decided to take it easy and have a lazy Saturday morning so much so that by the time we left it was almost 11:30 AM…not much traffic on the road and in no time we were out of the city and onto the main NH209 from Bangalore towards Kanakapura…the weather was ideal for the journey…mild sun, lovely breeze and a hint of rain on the horizon…the weather in which trees look greener and the colors more vibrant then usual…

For me the drive is always the best part of the journey…its probably what people call meditating…when you are not thinking of anything…you are your relaxed best…and you just are blissfully unaware of the chaos around…during the journey you have left the world behind you with all its problems and you haven’t yet arrived at the destination where there’s uncertainty…it’s just perfect…in this case the drive was even better…we passed small ponds and fields…picturesque villages with perfect red brick houses where could see people sitting together watching the world go by…kids playing and waving to you as you drive past…you can feel the romanticism in the rustic countryside…the short drive through the ghats is beautiful and if you are careful you can see some beautiful birds along the way…

The road is a fairly straight road with no major turns…it was only past lunch time when we reached “Mekedatu” and realized its right next to “Galibore Fishing Camp”…so the place you reach is called “Sangam” where the rivers Arkavati, Kaveri and a mythical river meet…we parked our car near the bank got down not quite sure what to do next…now, to reach mekedatu we had to cross the sangam… unlike what we had read on the net, there weren’t any corokkals…and I was quite apprehensive…none of us knew how to swim and the water looked quite deep with some small rapids…But J was quite sure that we could cross it…and then it would be a waste not to…so we formed a human chain with J and her stick leading the way followed by D, me and P…the water was the right temperature and you could feel the current…mostly the depth was ok but at some places the water did come up to almost my waist…we managed to cross the river without any eventualities or meeting any stray crocs (yup that’s what the guide says)…now the place we needed to go to was around 4-5 Kms from Sangam…a trek would have been perfect…but we realized that we didn’t have that much time so we decide to hire a jeep…it’s a small path up and the driver was quite skillful…and before I forget we saw a few foxes on the way…I don’t think I have seen a fox before in my life…too bad I didn’t have a camera to take a picture…

when you reach the place nothing quite prepares you for what you see…it’s a beautiful gorge through which Kaveri flows…the stones are so perfectly eroded…beautiful crevices and edges…and its greenery all around…the place is breathtakingly beautiful and serene…you climb down and then climb any of the rocks you can reach…you look at it and think that there has to be something bigger than the world…larger than life…a force we can’t quite comprehend that did this…you almost crawl to the edge of the rocks to get a good look at the river and the rapids and once there you just don’t want to budge… it’s a sublime experience…

we could have sat there forever but the time tied us down and we had to go back…the jeep ride and wading through the sangam…and we were back driving through the ghats…its then we decided to go to the "Chunchi Falls"…a turn from NH 209 and you are in the middle of nowhere…the road is surprisingly good and passes through a few quaint villages…the drive is sheer pleasure…once you reach the falls you aren’t quite sure as to what you are about to see…there was no roar of water so characteristic of a waterfall…I almost thought we should go back…but we decided to trek down having come this far…and it was worth it…the falls themselves are small and not at all majestic…but the whole view was quite scenic so much so that once there you don’t quite want to leave…its straight out of a painting…infact I could imagine the whole landscape in a Van Gogh painting with passionate brush strokes and the vibrant colors…if only I could paint :)

the drive back was almost uneventful except for the last leg…but that’s a story for another day…

Ajmer

Ajmer…a town which always amazes me…every time I go there I see a different side to it…probably because going there is a strange mix of memories from the past and present…every time I go there its after a gap of more than a couple of years…and so in my mind the past and present mingle and the emotions I feel are so mixed that at times I don’t really know if they stem from today or from some experience way back in the past…

We reached Ajmer only in the wee hours of the morning…no one knew we were coming and so it was a surprise seeing the kids knocking the door at 4:00 am in the morning…and of course things had to start with a cup of tea…every time I go to Ajmer my relationship with everyone is different…probably because I have grown up between each visit and thus the equation changes…my association with Ajmer is very strange…there is no place to which I feel emotionally attached or rooted to…though I was born and brought up in Delhi…I just hate the place…it’s not a place I want to be associated with…thus Ajmer is as close as it gets…and also because I have all happy memories of that place…it just feels strangely familiar…

Week like a rollercoaster ride...

The week past was one rollercoaster ride for me…I don’t changed even know how many miles I travelled or the hours for that matter…from b’lore to Mumbai to jaipur to Ajmer to jaipur to Delhi and now back to b’lore…more than the travel it’s the pace at which my world changed…I left Bangalore not because I was bored or feeling lonely in the huge house now that my friend is not there but because I wanted to get away from my work and the people there…I just couldn’t take it anymore…the aloofness, the loneliness, the mockery of the world around was just too much…I just could not bear to be with those people any more…it was suffocating me…I wanted to run away and that’s what I did…to Mumbai…to a place which is a perfect home from my pov…it’s so full of warmth and affection…I am quite sure everyone who enters that place can feel it…and it’s not a coincident that it’s that way because of two (almost) perfect people living there…there’s so much of “apnapan” there that I just feel happy just being there…the fact that I get pampered and looked after notwithstanding ;)

The first part of my journey was like coming home…when you are at a place where you don’t have to put on any mask…I am absolutely myself even when around people (the only other person with whom I am this open is my friend in b’lore)…we had endless cups of teas…movies & matches…I was slightly restless though…probably because I hadn’t been out in some time now…and then my cousin decided to go to Ajmer…I was very excited…I haven’t been there for past six years and so I was slightly apprehensive as well…didn’t know how everyone would take it…but then I knew my cousin was there to rescue me if required :) …so with that we started on our journey to Ajmer via jaipur…the weather was perfect and so was the company…G is a great person in spite of his comments and slightly boyish attitude…but that’s just the age…he is basically a very simple and nice person…though we keep on having our tiffs…and my cousin…I have always associated with a burst of colors…a palette which will have all the colors but you never know which color will come when you dip your brush in it…unpredictable and full of life…you cannot but be in awe of her…

And so we reached Ajmer and it all my apprehensions turned out to be completely unfounded…my aunts have the knack of making anyone feel loved and welcomed…

...to be continued...

The Genius - Hitchcock...

I was watching this movie by Hitchcock “I Confess” – and as I watched the movie I realized what a genius AH was. He was a perfectionist when it came to direction and storytelling. I have watched his other movies as well, but I it was never as apparent as this one…the way he uses the landscapes, streets, church bells and any inanimate object is just remarkable…all of it contribute to taking the story forward…you get a feeling that not even a leaf is wasted…everything making any frame of the movie is there for a purpose… and I do think that when it comes to basic storytelling, its best done in black & white…color brings in distractions…and AH is a whiz at story telling…a movie where you know from the first shot who the murderer is can still give you goose bumps and keep you glued to the screen…another thing that I noticed is that he had the right perspective while shooting..he right lengths and close ups for the right emphasis…I was watching this movie “good night and good luck” by George Clooney…the movie was not bad but what I found very irritating was that the director tried to emphasize every shot…all were extreme close-ups and that just did not work for the film…adding mystery and seriousness when there is none…

One needs to see “Rebbecca” and “Spellbound” to know what I mean…if you read the really long book you will never think that it can be made into such a gripping movie…its sheer genius the way the movie is made…

The only other director that I have seen using the landscapes and settings to move the story forward is Ingmar Bergman…but then in his movies you are so involved in deciphering the complexities of human mind and emotions that you don’t really notice the settings…

Leonard-esque...

I just find this concept so irritating...the other day i bought a biography of Leonardo da Vinci... never having heard of the author before i decided to do some googling to see any reviews...and there it was - the comment - "the book is definitely leonardesque"...how can a book be that....how can anything and everything be "esque"...i can understand "picturesque" but leonardoesque ??? exaggeration and pseudo intellectualism at its best...now i don't want to be judgemental...people do have right of expression...but do we have to say things even when we don't have anything to say...

my idea of love...

i have been a hopeless romantic and dreamy when i comes to love as long as i can remember...i have always felt that the man i fall in love with will sweep me off my feet...will wait for me forever...will take care of my likes and dislikes...will understand the kind of person i am...will care for for me and love me most in the world...

fairytale romance...isn't it...

but that's what i want and anything else just doesn't work...i probably don't understand the practical side of it at all...if someone comes and says "it depends on how much time", i don't understand that...to me that's not love...that's just your loneliness and the need to find a partner...but its not love...it may be the best way to live your life...will keep you floating most times...but i cant live my life like that...there are other ways to be...but as one of my closest friend says...i would rather be this way then any other way...

fast forward...

see the pyramids around the Nile
watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
just remember darling all the while
you belong to me...

i had this friend and though the relationship has been very complex between us...i thought the basic thing between us was honesty and that we shared everything in our lives...now i can see that wasnt the case...i just feel so betrayed...seems like all the relations in my life i trusted were not true...my trust was blind or maybe i was blind not to see this...

i could have done without this today...

expectations...

happiest are those who don't expect anything from anyone...so has been said in all the Vedas and such texts...by all saints and wise people...

how to get to that stage when you don't have any expectations...does it also mean that you should not expect anything from yourself as well...and if that's the case then what is the purpose of living and that too surrounded by people...why interact at all...why not live in a vacuum...or not live at all...

i always struggle to set this boundary of expectations both with myself and with others...i know that we don't have any control over how others behave...the only thing we can at best control is our own reaction and thoughts...

selfishness...

i hate to keep myself in the array of so called feminists who blame all the ills of the world on men...but more and more these days i keep on seeing instances of inherent selfishness amongst men...

i think, evolutionarily a woman's important role is to give birth and take care of the infant...and to achieve this she has to be selfless at some level...just think of the child and not herself...and that evolutionarily probably makes women a little less selfish then men...this gives her an empathetic attitude towards humanity…men on the other hand had to evolutionarily take care and provide for the family…they had to go out and grab what was not necessarily theirs and that inherently makes them selfish…

today when women have become more and more self sufficient and provide for themselves…the contrast is very sharp…men are still living in that primal world…I just see this all around me…so many instances of heartless selfishness…

what a waste...

akelapan hai ki jaata hi nahin hain...sab kuch jaante hua bhi aisa lagta hai ki jaisa mera kuch pichhe choot gaya...

somone will ask me...why that person who didnt care a damn about me...who was and is dishonest, liar, selfish and manipulative...

i am wasting myself and my life...