my idea of love...

i have been a hopeless romantic and dreamy when i comes to love as long as i can remember...i have always felt that the man i fall in love with will sweep me off my feet...will wait for me forever...will take care of my likes and dislikes...will understand the kind of person i am...will care for for me and love me most in the world...

fairytale romance...isn't it...

but that's what i want and anything else just doesn't work...i probably don't understand the practical side of it at all...if someone comes and says "it depends on how much time", i don't understand that...to me that's not love...that's just your loneliness and the need to find a partner...but its not love...it may be the best way to live your life...will keep you floating most times...but i cant live my life like that...there are other ways to be...but as one of my closest friend says...i would rather be this way then any other way...

fast forward...

see the pyramids around the Nile
watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
just remember darling all the while
you belong to me...

i had this friend and though the relationship has been very complex between us...i thought the basic thing between us was honesty and that we shared everything in our lives...now i can see that wasnt the case...i just feel so betrayed...seems like all the relations in my life i trusted were not true...my trust was blind or maybe i was blind not to see this...

i could have done without this today...

expectations...

happiest are those who don't expect anything from anyone...so has been said in all the Vedas and such texts...by all saints and wise people...

how to get to that stage when you don't have any expectations...does it also mean that you should not expect anything from yourself as well...and if that's the case then what is the purpose of living and that too surrounded by people...why interact at all...why not live in a vacuum...or not live at all...

i always struggle to set this boundary of expectations both with myself and with others...i know that we don't have any control over how others behave...the only thing we can at best control is our own reaction and thoughts...

selfishness...

i hate to keep myself in the array of so called feminists who blame all the ills of the world on men...but more and more these days i keep on seeing instances of inherent selfishness amongst men...

i think, evolutionarily a woman's important role is to give birth and take care of the infant...and to achieve this she has to be selfless at some level...just think of the child and not herself...and that evolutionarily probably makes women a little less selfish then men...this gives her an empathetic attitude towards humanity…men on the other hand had to evolutionarily take care and provide for the family…they had to go out and grab what was not necessarily theirs and that inherently makes them selfish…

today when women have become more and more self sufficient and provide for themselves…the contrast is very sharp…men are still living in that primal world…I just see this all around me…so many instances of heartless selfishness…

what a waste...

akelapan hai ki jaata hi nahin hain...sab kuch jaante hua bhi aisa lagta hai ki jaisa mera kuch pichhe choot gaya...

somone will ask me...why that person who didnt care a damn about me...who was and is dishonest, liar, selfish and manipulative...

i am wasting myself and my life...

Past...constant or everchanging

the other day i was talking to a friend and the conversation steered on to how the only thing constant is the past...i disagree...

everything we see and experience is through the lens we wear...overtime the lens changes...the colours, the perspective changes...as we move forward our understanding of our past changes and in this sense our past changes...it is fluid and dynamic...even when i look at myself, the events that have happened in my past have taken a different shape over time...my own understanding has enabled that change...

How Long…

Seeing America I don’t think I can fully understand the differences between a developing and a developed nation…people are same everywhere…there are problems and challenges everywhere though their nature might differ…I think that we have developed so fast and our way of life has changed so fast that we haven’t had time to assimilate and understand these changes…we are just being swept by them…again I will quote from Steinbeck’s "Travels with Charley in search of America"..."Humans had perhaps a million years to get used to fire as a thing and as an idea. Between the time a man got his fingers burned on a lightning struck tree until another man carried some inside a cave and found it kept him warm, maybe a hundred thousand years, and from there to the blast furnaces of Detroit – how long?
And now a force was in hand how much more strong, and we hadn’t had time to develop the means to think, for man has to have feelings and then words before he can come close to thought and, in the past at least, that has taken a long time."