रिश्ता...

रिश्ता भी क्या चीज़ है? जहाँ कुछ भी नहीं वहां नज़र आता है

जहाँ नज़र नहीं आता वहां है...

अमृता प्रीतम

My new writing desk…

I am a proud owner of a writing desk :) It’s not huge or new. In fact it is this compact thing, really old styled just enough for me to keep my laptop on and work. It’s terrific and I love it. Having never owned a writing desk all for myself earlier, I am smiling from ear to ear for this one.
So that’s what has brought cheer to my week. That and chants that I repeat to myself a dozen times a day – “This too shall pass”…Its only temporary, this state of being actually not the state of being but the demons in my head…sometimes I wonder should I be so self critical and self analytical…I mean I know there is a completely different world inside my head but does that I mean I blame everything on that…my world is my perception of reality just like everyone else’s…

Let me for once stop justifying things around me with my reality… let’s give the demons some rest…for the time being till they come back and devour me…

The root cause of it all – the sense of being abandoned that I live with day and night. In spite of all the philosophy I have read, all my experiences, all my understanding of the self and the other, this feeling forms the basis of all my other feelings and I mean all. And I don’t think there is any way I can get rid of it. It’s too much a part of me. But what hopefully I should be able to do over years is detach myself from it for small intervals…and hopefully over time those intervals will start getting bigger. (Of course it would be helpful if I find kindred souls along the way, who understand my state of being who are empathetic…but I am doubtful at least till the time I learn to empathetic)

When I started writing, I had a list of things I wanted to write about, but having written what I have written, I don’t think there is any point in writing anything else – all else is just rants and cribs and cries for attention…

So here’s “To longer intervals”…

Books and Me...

Reading and books is essentially what I am and what my life is about. Everything else is secondary. What makes up my thoughts, where I find solace, what my dreams are made of are all in the books I have read.

But now I don’t read as much as I used to. The reason is not that I am busy or don’t have time or have better things to do. Its way more fundamental than that. Every book I read becomes in some way a part of me. I think about it. It forces me to reflect. It’s almost like a living organism that morphs my thoughts such that they take a new shape and structure. All this most of the time causes a lot of dissonance and angst. After all I am not living the life I would ideally live; it’s not even close to what best I can be.

So the pile of unread books is growing in my shelf day after day. These days I am terrified of picking up a new book. I who was as impulsive as one can be, not afraid of change, not afraid of doing what I want to do has turned into this terrified, cornered individual finding safe haven in old and experienced much like my reading.

Is this what they call growing up…

To predictions and future…

So I finally gave in to the madness and went to see an astrologer. Yeah I did! Not that I am superstitious, infact I am the exact opposite. But for some reason I want to believe in astrology (ok I exactly know why but that’s digressing). I still don’t know if I actually do. But since I could not find any solace anywhere, I went to meet this old chap my friend had recommended all the way across town. All he asked me was my name, DoB, time and place of birth. I was actually shocked with the facts he told me about my life, my family and past relationships. And as for my future, let’s say it’s reasonably good :). Not the usual mom and dad and family saga, but still happy.

Overall I am more at peace, so I guess true or not, it was definitely worth it.

Abandoned...

So this is how this feels.

I almost abandoned this blog today. But I realized thats not me. I might delete people from my world after umpteen tries but I will never abandon them.

So heres to my fave quote - "This too shall pass"

Life...

Sometimes I wonder what life is all about. Why do I live? Yeah I know, I suffer from existential angst. I wish I was Milan Kundera than at least something good would come out of this angst. But alas!

I seriously fail to understand what keeps me hoping? I can safely say every one of my relationship whatever the kind be has been a failure. And my God knows I have loved all the people in my life with all that I have. So what do I look forward to? Even I don’t know.

I wonder...

In the middle of the night I wonder…
About the office politics…
I wonder about the badminton tournaments…
About the traffic jams…
About the friends and drunken binges…
About tiffs and pet peeves…
About the drives, about the movies…
About you…

.....................................

(The song is not too great...but i was going to write something similar when i chanced upon the lyrics...hence reproducing below...)

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

...

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

...

Artist: Lady Antebellum
Song Title: Need You Now

(http://lyricsmusicvideo.blogspot.com/2009/08/lady-antebellum-need-you-now-lyrics.html#comment-form)

आईना...

आसिम है मेरा या मेरा रफीक...
मेरे एहसास से अलग तो नहीं...
खुली नज़रों से देखा कोई सपना शायद..
मेरी आरज़ू का कातिब शायद...
मेरा वजूद उससे जुदा तो नहीं...
लिखता है वो काफूर सा मेरा अफसाना...
कागज़ नहीं कलम भी नहीं...
मदहोश हूँ मैं मेरी ही आज़ में...
वो नहीं तो फिर मैं भी नहीं...

Fickle Minded…

These are restless days. Sometimes you are just forced to think. The seemingly logical balance you had maintained with everything goes all haywire. My dissonance is attributed to some recent happenings in my life. It is making me wonder. Were all those relations and friendships in which I invested time, energy, emotions and years so fickle, so transient, so inconsequential. What is it that I do not understand?

Complexity of relations in this “socially networked” world…

When virtual profiles have become extension of our self it isn’t shocking to expect to relationships to spill into the virtual world as well. While we humans are still trying to learn the complexities of the real relations (and miserably failing at that if I may add) how would we ever deal with this added dimension…

Though I embraced the social networks yet I am quite wary of them and now and again I have this urge to kill my online presence. I am still not too sure why I haven’t done it already. Normally I would not prefer to make my emotions public where all and sundry can discover all there is to know about me by just reading my profile. Similarly I would not let my personal relations with people in real life affect my connections in the virtual world. But the recent events have forced me to reconsider. Do we connect with ex of a friend after a disastrous breakup. Isn’t that like giving my approval or feigning ignorance at what happened? Do I want to judge people in their virtual realities? Come to think of it would I meet my friend’s ex for drinks? I think not.

The fourth Dozakh…Ismat says

But Jugnu said that if I sang the glory of Ram my tongue would burn in dozakh...On the other hand the coachman used to say that if I did not sing the glory of Shri Ram Chandra I would end up in narak…I was in deep trouble. Indira used to say that if I didn’t kneel and repent for my sins in front of the statue of Jesus Christ, I would go straight to hell. I was not ready to go to any of the three locations.

……

This must be a fourth place, this sasural, related to dozakh, narak and hell.

राहें...

not really what i want to stay...somehow am not able to put it into words...a very feeble attempt...

कदम जब चले थे, राहें आवारा थी
सोचा था शायद कोई किस्सा मिल जाएगा कहीं...
और कोई नहीं तो मेरा ही सही
वो आगाज़ था मेरी तिश्नगी का...
उन दिनों
रातें गुमशुदा थीं और दिन खानाबदोश
मैं दीवानगी में चलती रही और देख ही ना पाई की
हर रास्ता उसी मोड़ पे आकर रुकता है
जहाँ से मैंने शुरुआत की थी...

Movie and Magic…

I finally know what I want to do…I might not be able to do it just yet…but I know now…and I know what matters…

Permanence and Uncertainty…

It’s a contradiction of sorts…and it’s me…there has been nothing in my life which has even a semblance of permanence…I start counting the days if not hours if something exists beyond a year in my life…and added to it I fundamentally believe there is nothing permanent…I mean what if a meteor strikes the earth tomorrow…where will all our future plans go…I seriously believe in the cataclysmic end…then why the contradiction…that’s ‘cause I also believe that we all need to have an anchor…some place, someone we can always go back to…a thread that runs through all your uncertainties and ties it all together…and if you don’t have it you are truly lost…but the fact is that this anchor doesn’t have to be external…actually it can’t be…it’s that place in your heart…the believe in yourself…but then again it is one of those catch 22s…you don’t get it if you keep on looking for it…and you get it the moment it becomes redundant…

यादें...

लिखना चाहा तेरी यादों को,
कुछ कही अनकहीं बातों को,
रेत के टीलों पे गुज़री शामों को,
रात से शर्माती सुबह को,
लिखना तो चाहा था...
यादों को लिखने लगी तो लगा...
मेरी कलम तेरा वजूद बन गयी है...
और स्याही में जैसे मेरी आज़ घुल गयी है...
दानिस्तः मैंने कलम को स्याही में डूबोया...
कलम जड्कने लगी तो स्याही और कलम जैसे एक हो गए थे...
फासला करती भी तो कैसे...
फिर सोचा की टीले पर जाकर वही सूरज को रेत में बदलते देखती हूँ...
शायद कुछ कह पाऊँ...शायद कुछ लिख पाऊँ...
पर सूरज की भी जात देखो...
उस दिन कम्भक्त ढला ही नहीं...
बस अपनी गर्मी चाँद को सोपकर जाने कहाँ गुम हो गया...
और में इंतज़ार करती हुई उसके पाऊँ के निशान भी ना देख पायी..
रात का आखरी पहर बचा था...
वोह भी बस चाँद का हाला बनकर मुस्कुराती सी मेरा हाथ छोड़कर चलदी...
सुबह तो वैसे भी रात की जाई है...
क्या कहती और क्या लिखती...

जीने के करीने...

किसी शहर की गलियों या कूचों में...
कहीं झीलों तालाबों या नदियों की लहरों में...
डूबे हुए दिल की गहरायी में...
अतरंगी से ख्वाबों के हुजूम में...
किसी शायर की ग़ज़ल में...
किसी कलाकार के मुजस्समे में...
एक अधूरी लिखी कहानी में...
एक उलझे से किरदार में...
शायद मेरी आज़ में...

Books and Me...

I feel I am finally beginning to understand books and writing…the written word has always spoken to me more than the said word…I was a voracious reader once…now I am just a reader…but there’s a huge difference…I was overly critical…I would only read the works I considered genius…of writers who “I thought” understood more than everyone else…of authors whose words filled my head with boundarylessness…and so I restricted myself…but now I am more appreciative of the way someone writes…even a simple thought and idea if written poignantly can give rise to a thousand new ideas…I think I am “hopefully” beginning to appreciate that now…

My nemesis…

It’s pathetic to be low on people’s priorities that are high on yours. It’s a curse to think about priorities...

मायाजाल ...

हर सपना देखा सा लगता है
हर आइना बिखरा सा लगता है
तेरी नज़र मेरी रूह पिघला रही है, और
हर लम्हा बेमानी सा लगता है
मैं जहाँ थी अभी भी वहीँ हूँ
हर कोई जो पास था
अब धुंधला सा लगता है...

किस्मत...

कतरणें हैं रिश्तों की
चाहतों का ताना बाना है
मेरी किस्मत मेरे कल का कसीदा बुन रही है
मुस्कुराती सी मेरे आज पर...